hey there,
this is episode 2 of not proud of our behaviour with Sean Dustin.
https://linktr.ee/Nowheretogobutup
we invite you to this heartwarming and transparent conversation between a man and a women who regret their past behaviours and managed to become strong and supportive individuals in the present.
enjoy
with love
Aurora
Social links
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https://www.patreon.com/bePatron?u=47996251
@theborealisexperience
Support the show here:
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/auroraborealis
Transcript
Hey, good afternoon. I’m Sean Dustin from the nowhere
Unknown:to go But up podcast. And joining me today is Aurora from
Unknown:the Borealis experience and Aurora and myself if you haven’t
Unknown:read the description, we teamed up, because in our past we’ve
Unknown:you know, we were abusive people. And you know, we had
Unknown:unhealthy relationships, toxic relationships, the way that we
Unknown:dealt with the opposite sex or this, our significant others was
Unknown:not necessarily very productive, or very healthy. So what we
Unknown:decided to do, and this is be the second episode of what we’ve
Unknown:done is talk about these issues, and share them with you and let
Unknown:you guys know that you’re not alone, if you are a part of this
Unknown:group of people that has experienced these kinds of
Unknown:things in the past. And if you’re looking to kind of change
Unknown:your behaviors, and you know, identify sort of the things in
Unknown:the blind spots in your life and in your behaviors. This is what
Unknown:we’re here to do. We’re here to talk about these things. So,
Unknown:Aurora, I’m gonna bring her in. Hey, Roy, once you go ahead and
Unknown:introduce yourself, I’m gonna, I’m gonna share this real quick,
Unknown:with a bunch of different groups while you’re taking care of
Unknown:that.
Unknown:Mm hmm. Thank you so much, Sean. Yeah, my name is Aurora, I
Unknown:started the Borealis experience podcast a couple months ago and
Unknown:met Sean along the way. And we started talking and just
Unknown:realized that we have something in common that we’re not really
Unknown:proud of. Like Sean just said, we were abusive, and
Unknown:manipulative, and not awesome with our previous partners, or
Unknown:maybe family members. And I think it is really important as
Unknown:a woman to kind of disclose some of the behavior that I heard you
Unknown:say, practiced. And from him side, too, to know that, yeah,
Unknown:there’s women out there who are aware of this kind of behavior,
Unknown:and we’re not proud of it, we want to be better. We want to
Unknown:connect with you guys and have healthy relationships. quantize,
Unknown:it is just hard to Yeah, be that wonderful, awesome, heartwarming
Unknown:person because of stuff that happens in the past or stuff
Unknown:that we still haven’t let go. of. So the show here is very,
Unknown:very important to me. I’m very excited to be on this. And yeah,
Unknown:thank you for supporting us and for sharing or giving us any
Unknown:kind of feedback if you can relate, or if this is of any
Unknown:benefit for you.
Unknown:Thank you. I appreciate that for the yoke. carrying me there for
Unknown:a little bit why why shared this through the Facebook groups. But
Unknown:yeah, I mean, last, last episode, Episode Number one, we
Unknown:talked about our past and kind of the things that you and I
Unknown:both did, you took your turn. And I took my turn and we kind
Unknown:of gave everybody an idea of kind of the kind of people we
Unknown:were the things that we would do, you know, the traps that we
Unknown:would lay for our significant others or, you know, maybe the
Unknown:gaslighting that we would both do to try and you know, we and
Unknown:we did unwrap a lot of stuff in that. And so I would suggest
Unknown:that you go back and check that out, she has it on her on her
Unknown:podcast, the Borealis experience, she’s got an episode
Unknown:there, I have the same episode on mine, the nowhere to go, but
Unknown:up podcast. So between either one, you’ll be able to find it.
Unknown:And it’s called not proud of our behavior. Because that’s really
Unknown:where we’re at, you know, we’re not proud of the way that we
Unknown:behaved in the past. And we don’t want to continue that into
Unknown:the future. And so by talking about it, and you know, kind of
Unknown:like diving in and finding out like, you know, why? Why did we
Unknown:do the things that we did, and, you know, and other stuff, and
Unknown:then also checking in about, you know, how were we triggered in
Unknown:any way this, you know, since we’ve talked, you know, have we
Unknown:gone through any sort of things that, you know, were impactful
Unknown:or where we had to step back and go, Oh, man, you know, I really
Unknown:need to take a look at that, you know, because some of that old
Unknown:stuff is starting to come up. Is that kind of like where you feel
Unknown:Aurora?
Unknown:Oh, yeah, absolutely. Like as soon as I knew that, we were
Unknown:going to do The second show on this Thursday, I was like, Oh,
Unknown:I’m happy that I can talk about this stuff. And yeah, shed light
Unknown:on. In order to dissolve it instead of suppressing it more
Unknown:and more and more. And I hope our listeners can feel the same
Unknown:way in just listening, we might invite you guys to be guests, or
Unknown:to send us emails, of requests. But yeah, I was really looking
Unknown:forward to that second episode now, because there was quite
Unknown:quite a lot of stuff building up.
Unknown:So let’s, let’s talk about that. Because you mentioned something
Unknown:that’s really important. What happens when we don’t talk about
Unknown:this stuff? What happens when we suppress it? Or what happens for
Unknown:you, when you suppress these things, and don’t really get
Unknown:them out and let them sort of fester?
Unknown:Um, yeah,
Unknown:let’s talk about suppression, I think that I become very quiet.
Unknown:And when I opened my mouth, it’s usually cynical or very
Unknown:negative. So I feel shame about my behavior, but don’t
Unknown:communicate that I feel regret or anything, instead, I attack
Unknown:the other person verbally. Or I just give them the silent
Unknown:treatment, because I don’t want to confront my feelings that are
Unknown:roaming inside of me. And the other person is usually, like
Unknown:very helpless, and doesn’t really know how to approach me
Unknown:if I need space, or if I need to be close, and what’s going on.
Unknown:So I’m totally confusing my partner, and yeah, are maybe
Unknown:even passive aggressive. And it’s my way to kind of channel
Unknown:that pressure out of outside of me. And I know, it’s not the way
Unknown:to go. It’s very disruptive.
Unknown:So would you say that if you were more communicative to your
Unknown:partner that and kind of bring them in on how you’re feeling?
Unknown:Do you think that that would kind of help alleviate that
Unknown:pressure? And also, any kind of tension? because now you’re sort
Unknown:of bringing them into the fold of of what the issue is? Do you
Unknown:think that that would be a solution?
Unknown:Yeah, I’m totally aware that this would be the way to go. But
Unknown:I still struggle with it, because I want to solve it on my
Unknown:own. I don’t want to burden the other person, which doesn’t make
Unknown:any sense, because how I behave is more exhausting and shitty
Unknown:for them than if I was to communicate it. So there’s still
Unknown:kind of a, that has to be both for me to know, if I communicate
Unknown:it. There’s a good experience coming out, and I’m still not
Unknown:there.
Unknown:Okay. Yeah, I mean, it’s, it’s a, it’s a journey. It really is.
Unknown:And, you know, I don’t I’m not sitting up here saying that, you
Unknown:know, hey, I’ve got this figured out, you know, this is, you
Unknown:know, I’m not I’m not, I’m not trying to sell you a course.
Unknown:Right? I’m not trying to sell you a, anything that that’s
Unknown:telling you that I know, how I that I’ve fixed myself, I’ve
Unknown:fixed a lot of parts of myself. But there are still those parts
Unknown:that that you know, come out. And if I’m not, you know,
Unknown:exercising good communication, if I’m not keeping myself in a
Unknown:good space. And one of the things that’s really important,
Unknown:if I’m not acting like, my past is my, like, speaking about my
Unknown:past is this, it’s as if it’s my present. That’s a huge, you
Unknown:know, because when we talk about things, and like, for me, it’s
Unknown:like, I’ll say, Yeah, well, I’m not very smart at business, or
Unknown:I’m not very, I’m not a good business person. Well, that’s
Unknown:not true. You know, I’m just uninformed about how to do some
Unknown:parts of business, which makes me feel like, I’m not good at
Unknown:the whole thing. And is, if I’m saying that about myself, I’m
Unknown:actually willing it into existence. That what, that this
Unknown:is, this is me, this is my truth. And that’s not true. And
Unknown:so when we can get away from talking about our past as if
Unknown:it’s our present, altogether, we eliminate that, that that self
Unknown:fulfilling prophecy, right? I guess that’s what you would call
Unknown:it. And so yeah, that’s really what what the key is here is
Unknown:almost like figuring out how to almost like an addict, right?
Unknown:Like a drug addict. You know, they got to figure out out what
Unknown:their triggers are, you know, when I feel this way This
Unknown:happens when I put myself in these situations over here, this
Unknown:happens when I start feeling this way, what am I going to do
Unknown:in order to make X, Y and Z not happen, right. And so those are
Unknown:like mitigating things, mitigating bad outcomes from
Unknown:happening. And a lot of that has to do with just playing the tape
Unknown:out, right? Playing the scenario out in your head in before you,
Unknown:you respond, you react emotionally, play the tape
Unknown:through and respond intelligently. You got anything
Unknown:to add to that?
Unknown:What I want to add is that, like we’re talking eye to eye, I
Unknown:don’t know if you say that in English, but we’re one level and
Unknown:every you notice something that I’m doing, like, even just in
Unknown:our little interviews here, I take your advice, because I
Unknown:don’t feel you’re above there, and I’m down here. And we have
Unknown:different levels of healing. And if you see something where I
Unknown:could hear more, feel free to throw that advice in here and I
Unknown:will happily receive it. And I might do the same for you if
Unknown:that’s okay with you. Because at the beginning, he said, At no
Unknown:point better than me, but we might have, like different
Unknown:levels of healing. And yeah, I totally agree to what you just
Unknown:said, in in being fixated on our past and saying, Yeah, this is
Unknown:what happened to me in the past. And this is why I’m a victim
Unknown:today. And this kind of gives me the green pass to behave that
Unknown:way. That is not okay. Are you a victim? Or were you an abuser,
Unknown:in both cases, cannot hold yourself in a box? Because
Unknown:otherwise, you’re going to keep behaving the same way and never
Unknown:get out of it? Right? I think that’s what what you were saying
Unknown:when you talked about the past when we have to look at the past
Unknown:and communicate about it. But we can’t make it our identity and
Unknown:give us excuse to hold on to it more and kind of stay stuck in
Unknown:that in that past behavior. Just because we keep repeating the
Unknown:story like talking about it. So yeah, very, very to
Unknown:it’s it’s, it’s, it’s about how we wield our words, right, how
Unknown:we how we spin our words and how we you know, the words that we
Unknown:use, oftentimes create the story in our head and the narrative,
Unknown:right. And a lot of what we do is so second nature, that it is
Unknown:subconsciously, it’s at the subconscious level, you know,
Unknown:the behaviors that we did that we are using, like for myself,
Unknown:some of the behaviors that I had were learned behaviors over
Unknown:years of bad behavior. Right. And they have been ingrained in
Unknown:so ingrained in what I do. From I’ll give you a good example. So
Unknown:I would come home, like I wouldn’t have been doing
Unknown:anything wrong. But I may have been somewhere where I shouldn’t
Unknown:have been, you know, maybe I was at a friend’s house or maybe I
Unknown:went to stop somewhere. And you know, to spend some money that I
Unknown:don’t want to fess up about right. Maybe I went and bought
Unknown:something for myself and anything, right. And instead of
Unknown:just being honest about it, my immediate response was I would
Unknown:lie about it. You know, and it would be it was stupid. Like you
Unknown:were like this, like, what are you even lying about that? Four?
Unknown:That’s so dumb. You know, there’s no reason there’s no
Unknown:reason why you should have lied about that. I mean, you wouldn’t
Unknown:have gotten in trouble. But now when I would have to explain it.
Unknown:Yeah, I it’s like, I get caught up. In my words. It doesn’t seem
Unknown:like it seems like I was doing something worse than I was
Unknown:actually doing when I’m trying to, you know, live my life my
Unknown:way out of it. Right. And it just goes from one to the next
Unknown:to the next to the next. I mean, it had all of these adverse
Unknown:reactions. And in order to mitigate that, it was just like,
Unknown:Man, these are the kind of behaviors that I have. I know
Unknown:that I have them. And let’s not let those behaviors rule my day.
Unknown:Let’s not let them control My outcomes for my relationships.
Unknown:And let’s let’s break free of them. And so that’s kind of what
Unknown:I did. Does that kind of ring true true with you? Or how do
Unknown:you feel about that? Did you have any behaviors like that,
Unknown:that were like second nature to you that you kind of clung on to
Unknown:that kept you not being able to progress? forward?
Unknown:Yes, certainly, certainly, for me, lying was also a big part.
Unknown:But a bigger part for me was, when I felt triggered, and the
Unknown:trigger inside of me brought out feelings of powerlessness and
Unknown:inferiority. I would totally like bite onto that problem, and
Unknown:be so aggressive with any person that was going to come close to
Unknown:me be someone trying to help me, or someone just there while I’m
Unknown:still trying to figure stuff out. So that feeling of
Unknown:powerlessness. So past week, it was, for instance, my phone that
Unknown:just didn’t function the way I needed it. And I just kept
Unknown:telling myself, this is just a test to the universe is testing
Unknown:me if I really want to do that podcast, and it was really like
Unknown:a huge stick in my wheels. Like, I couldn’t think anymore, I was
Unknown:not creative anymore. And the people that live with me, the
Unknown:people that surround me here and don’t really have an escape
Unknown:right now, because of COVID. I was either totally aggressive
Unknown:with or totally shut them out. And because I wanted to figure
Unknown:that stupid situation out and kind of like, an aggressive
Unknown:Pitbull, or you know, who can get out of that mode anymore.
Unknown:And yeah, lying is definitely part of that to them. Because
Unknown:you kind of try to have the happy face on and keep people
Unknown:close and in a good mood and help them out. But then at the
Unknown:same time, you build up so much resentment, because you’d rather
Unknown:them help you instead of having to put that happy face on. So I
Unknown:don’t allow myself to look weak in any kind. When I cry, it’s
Unknown:really because I held back for so many weeks. But everything
Unknown:that happens before is trying to protect that soft spot that is
Unknown:actually crying for help, but I don’t allow it. I don’t know if
Unknown:that makes any sense. So if that was totally confusing right now.
Unknown:No, but that was confusing.
Unknown:Yeah. Yeah, no, that wasn’t confusing at all. Actually, the
Unknown:The funny thing about that is, is that when, when we can show
Unknown:other people, our vulnerabilities, right, and our
Unknown:weaknesses, those are actually our strengths. Right? The
Unknown:ability to do that, but we’ve got ourselves so fooled, and
Unknown:we’ve inverted the two, we make it seem like if that because I
Unknown:have vulnerabilities and because I show weaknesses, like whether
Unknown:it’s, you know, emotionally or you know, whatever it is for
Unknown:you. I mean, it manifests itself differently in everybody. I
Unknown:think it’s the opposite. I think that when you’re in your truth,
Unknown:and you’re in, you’re being authentic, and you’re allowing
Unknown:people to see the, the vulnerabilities in you. And I
Unknown:think that I think that shows great strength.
Unknown:Mm hmm.
Unknown:Just when you’re in it, it is hard to, to then be that
Unknown:vulnerable self person, because there’s also that weird
Unknown:connection of feeling like a burden to others and wanting to
Unknown:be strong for others. And if we just know that, no, it’s so
Unknown:important to be vulnerable, because then the other person
Unknown:can be the strong shoulder for you, otherwise they can’t,
Unknown:otherwise they’re there and don’t really know how to, like
Unknown:behave around you. And if you soften up if you admit what’s
Unknown:going on inside of you, then you can actually create connection
Unknown:and it’s, it’s a big step. It’s a big step to to just let those
Unknown:guards down and say, Hey, I reached a point where I need you
Unknown:So you have to be so if I’m hearing you, right, so, one, you
Unknown:have to be able to communicate these things. Right, that’s,
Unknown:that’s one part of defusing sort of the situation because if
Unknown:you’re communicating and you’re telling people, you know, how
Unknown:they can, how they can assist you, or how they can help you
Unknown:show up better or how they can show up better, you know, in, in
Unknown:the situation, that’s one thing, but then the other thing that
Unknown:I’m hearing is that doesn’t allow you to go any further than
Unknown:that. And that’s trust and lack of the lack of trust within
Unknown:other people because whether it is you know, we’re trying to
Unknown:protect ourselves, we’re not trying to get hurt. I do this a
Unknown:lot and I just talked to this earlier to somebody that about
Unknown:this earlier. So between my daughter and my dog, I give them
Unknown:so much love, right? I am 100% like the kind of loving person
Unknown:that you would want your significant other to be like to
Unknown:be to get hugs and kisses and and to be playful with them and
Unknown:to like you know, be silly and all of the things that you can
Unknown:do once you trust somebody fully right and you know that they’re
Unknown:not going to hurt you I can’t I can’t do that with with the
Unknown:opposite sex. But my girlfriend watches me do that with my dog
Unknown:in my in my my daughter all the time.
Unknown:Yeah, and she’s probably why why not me and because she triggers
Unknown:something in you that your daughter and your dog don’t
Unknown:probably
Unknown:won’t know it’s just a lack of trust. It’s because I don’t
Unknown:trust it’s safe. It’s safe there right? Because my dog is gonna
Unknown:love me unconditionally no matter what. Right? No matter
Unknown:what I do my daughter same thing you know of course and you know
Unknown:if I did something wrong to her record that’s a little bit
Unknown:different because it’s you’re dealing with a human now. But
Unknown:you know if you’re if you’re parenting the right way, you
Unknown:want the best for your children. You want your your I want my
Unknown:daughter to be safe and I want her to feel loved and I want her
Unknown:to feel like she’s important and I want her to feel I want her to
Unknown:feel like I’ll never leave her you know like she like she can
Unknown:always count on me to be there for her and I have a hard time
Unknown:doing
Unknown:yeah
Unknown:yeah and I have a hard time doing that with with with my
Unknown:girlfriend or any opposite sex for that matter for probably the
Unknown:last I would say 15 years you know maybe maybe even 20 years
Unknown:there was a point where I just stopped trusting relationships
Unknown:and you know for whatever reason probably because I was always
Unknown:the one that burned them down. So maybe it will I just didn’t
Unknown:trust myself. I don’t know like i said i’m not we’re not a
Unknown:mental health counselors. We don’t we’re not giving you
Unknown:mental health advice. We’re not giving you relationship advice.
Unknown:We’re not giving you any kind of advice all we’re doing is
Unknown:allowing you to be a fly on the wall have a conversation from
Unknown:two people that struggled with sort of the same things but on
Unknown:different spectrums of it and how we’ve gotten through it and
Unknown:how we are you know, sort of navigating our are navigating
Unknown:our way through it.
Unknown:Exactly, exactly. Well said. Yeah, wish you is I think at the
Unknown:root of like you and I are problem because if we were to
Unknown:trust people fully we wouldn’t need to lie we will need to hide
Unknown:we will need to come up with some stupid manipulative ways to
Unknown:keep people interested in us and stuff so what can we do about
Unknown:this? How can we be like you and I are with our dogs How can we
Unknown:be those warm trusting people that’s that’s what I would love
Unknown:to Yeah, no and this is my goal. This is where I want to end up
Unknown:one day and I feel what we’re doing right now like it’s only
Unknown:the second episode I feel so much better already. Talking
Unknown:about this and finding stuff about ourselves that can help us
Unknown:to to get there.
Unknown:Yeah, I agree. So you let’s let’s move into something else
Unknown:because we’re I what I’d like to try and do with these is keep
Unknown:them to about a half an hour because those are consumable
Unknown:pieces. When we start getting into To the to the half to the
Unknown:half to the not to have over the 45 and one hour timeframes. I
Unknown:feel like it unless you’re driving super content, but even
Unknown:then, it’s I feel like the 30 minute mark is is the sweet
Unknown:spot. I used to think it was 60. But now I believe it’s 30. So
Unknown:tell me, tell me what what you’ve been going through. And
Unknown:I’ll kind of check in on what I’m what my week’s been through,
Unknown:it might take us a little bit longer than 30 minutes, but
Unknown:we’re gonna try and do this and then and then wrap up.
Unknown:Hmm. Yeah, so for me, it was a person from my poem who, like
Unknown:wanted to keep in touch with me again. And yeah, for the last
Unknown:year, I was very good at holding that person at distance. Because
Unknown:Yeah, we went through some stuff where I behaved. Not good. And
Unknown:his behavior was not awesome, either. But I felt my behavior
Unknown:was more destructive. Because I needed to end things they were
Unknown:not good for me anymore. And so now to going on a walk with that
Unknown:person again and talking about that brought back all kinds of
Unknown:Yeah, memories and guilt feelings and regrets that I
Unknown:didn’t know how to channel out in how to I don’t want to say
Unknown:behave around, but how to get rid of maybe even. So it was all
Unknown:stuck inside of me because I thought I can’t really talk
Unknown:about this with anybody, because nobody knows what was really
Unknown:going on. I kept everything to myself back then. And I’m just
Unknown:gonna keep doing the same now. So I found myself really pushing
Unknown:people away, that wanted to be close with me and getting like
Unknown:rashes and headaches and sleepless nights and feeling
Unknown:very uninspired, like not worthy of doing my podcast even
Unknown:anymore. And so it was a huge mess in my head and in my life.
Unknown:So to say, and, and now I’m feeling better.
Unknown:But it
Unknown:was being reminded of the past, I think of my past behavior that
Unknown:totally threw me off of my solid train tracks that I thought I
Unknown:was. What was it for you soon? Or if you want to add something
Unknown:to this, feel free?
Unknown:Yeah, that’s why it’s important, you know, because sometimes when
Unknown:we think that we have it, we have it licked. Right, I guess
Unknown:you would say, Oh, I got this. I got this, and I’m not even
Unknown:trippin. I’m gonna that’s not even a problem anymore. But
Unknown:that’s, that’s your that’s your subconscious tricking your ass.
Unknown:Right? Because, you know, what? What are you going to do? If if
Unknown:that footing isn’t so solid? Right? What, what, what is your,
Unknown:I guess you would say a word for that is like, what’s your
Unknown:parachute? You know, what’s it? What are you going to fall back
Unknown:on? You know, what is your plan? to not have to go through this
Unknown:and what I mean by what is your plan. So I’m going to give an
Unknown:analogy here. I’m an addict, I suffered from addiction, for
Unknown:method of methamphetamines. I was addicted for 18 years. Then
Unknown:I went into a seven year opiate addiction on pain pills. So when
Unknown:I went and had surgery on my arm, it’s been, you know, over
Unknown:two years, since I’ve taken painkillers, I got prescribed
Unknown:painkillers. And so what I had to do is I had to have a plan,
Unknown:because I knew that they were going to offer them to me. So
Unknown:what am I going to do about that? Right? Am I gonna not take
Unknown:them? Am I gonna take them? Or like, like, what does that look
Unknown:like? And so I created a plan before I even went to the
Unknown:surgery, I had gotten my girlfriend to agree like, Hey,
Unknown:man, when we bring these pills home, because I’m not gonna not
Unknown:gonna take because I don’t want to, I don’t want to feel pain.
Unknown:If this is gonna help me through it. I’m cool with it. But I want
Unknown:you to hold on to them. And don’t allow me to overuse them.
Unknown:Because I probably will.
Unknown:Yeah.
Unknown:And so and then, and then too, when the doctor came and asked
Unknown:me how many pills that I wanted. I mean, I guess I could have
Unknown:said 50. I could have said I mean 100 would have been way too
Unknown:much. But I just said Just give me 20 of them. I’m cool with
Unknown:that way, you know, that’s a good amount to get me through
Unknown:the beginning part, and you get what I’m saying. So you got to
Unknown:have a plan and that’s and that goes the same way. way for when
Unknown:you’re trying to deal with people or you’re trying to deal
Unknown:with your old behaviors, you got to have a plan for when they
Unknown:show up, right? For when that that stuff comes out, and you
Unknown:haven’t dealt with it, or you haven’t talked it out, or you
Unknown:haven’t talked to somebody close to you to like relief relief,
Unknown:the pressure valve, right? Sorry, let some of that let some
Unknown:of that out. And that happens when when you talk to people
Unknown:like what we’re doing right now, that’s, that’s letting some of
Unknown:that pressure out. Some of what I want to talk talk about in
Unknown:word 30. So when I was in my using in my addiction with my X,
Unknown:hey, Louis, how are you? Um, we. So my behavior when I was an
Unknown:addict, with my ex, my, my daughter’s mom’s, I have two
Unknown:daughters, one of them I had when I was younger, and she’s
Unknown:21. Now, I got those parental rights taken away from me. And
Unknown:her mom, her mom filed to have my rights terminated. Because
Unknown:not because of anything that I did to my daughter or anything
Unknown:like that, but just because of my behavior and my addiction. I
Unknown:had done something, you know, she, I kind of screwed her over
Unknown:pretty big time. And so that was her way of doing it. I could
Unknown:have contested it, but I chose not to. I chose not to because I
Unknown:chose addiction in my in partying over, over my my
Unknown:responsibilities as a father. And so I yeah, and so I excused
Unknown:it away by saying, you know what, she’s probably better off
Unknown:without me. And you know, I made all these excuses in my mind as
Unknown:to why this would be the best choice for, for for me, you
Unknown:know, but but disguising it as the best choice for her. Right?
Unknown:That little level game we played to rationalize our behavior. So
Unknown:fast forward, I went to prison, all that happened, I would lie
Unknown:about it when I tell the story. And I would say that, oh, yeah,
Unknown:she waited till I went to prison. And then she had me
Unknown:served. That’s, that’s bullshit. That didn’t happen that way. I
Unknown:chose not I chose not to, to contest it not show up and party
Unknown:in and not come to the court date. So three, you know, years
Unknown:have gone by I went I you know, I got out of prison. And I found
Unknown:them. And I made contact. You know, I didn’t talk to him. I
Unknown:didn’t do any of that stuff. But I mean, I talked to him through
Unknown:messenger. And then not too, not maybe about two, two years ago,
Unknown:I found her on Instagram. And we’ve been talking back and
Unknown:forth. I, I don’t I didn’t know how to navigate that situation.
Unknown:Because it’s like, yeah, I’m your biological dad. But I’m not
Unknown:your father. Right? Because a father is all these other things
Unknown:that I didn’t do. Right? Like, I would consider myself a father
Unknown:to my daughter, my daughter that I have now my three and a half
Unknown:year old, because I’m involved in her life. I’m there every
Unknown:day. I’m you know, supporting her physically, financially,
Unknown:mentally, and all that stuff. And this one I didn’t do that
Unknown:for so it just like navigating that whole system, like what do
Unknown:you even like, where do you even start with that, right? And so I
Unknown:kind of half assed the, sometimes I would say, Hey, you
Unknown:know, sometimes I just get busy and not say anything. So what I
Unknown:think happened is it made her seem or feel like I wasn’t
Unknown:interested. Like,
Unknown:I don’t, you know, I don’t want to kind of be in your I mean, I
Unknown:could be in your life, or I could not be in your life, you
Unknown:know, I could take it or leave it. That’s kind of like, what I
Unknown:think what I was presenting. And so that went on for a while. And
Unknown:just recently, within the last, I would say three or four days,
Unknown:she’s reached out to me, and wants to have a relationship and
Unknown:wants to get to know me and wants to go down that path of,
Unknown:you know, whatever that is, and, you know, whatever that’s going
Unknown:to look like for us as we’re trying to figure this out. And I
Unknown:knew that I knew that. I knew there would be a day that this
Unknown:would be that, that possibly this could happen, right?
Unknown:Because everybody always said, Well, you know, most daughters
Unknown:want to know who their dad are, who their dad is, and she’s
Unknown:always gonna want to know that and she’s gonna want to know
Unknown:what the story is. You know, cuz she’ll hear one from her mom,
Unknown:which I don’t know what that is. I haven’t even we haven’t even
Unknown:gotten even into that and I don’t really even care you No,
Unknown:that’s not, that doesn’t matter to me. We were both probably way
Unknown:different people back then than we are now. So that’s kind of
Unknown:where I’m at. And that’s the the things that I’m dealing with
Unknown:this week. And so there’s a part of me that’s really, really
Unknown:happy. And wow, that, yeah, that maybe I might get a chance to,
Unknown:to fix those mistakes, right? That I had in the past, and I
Unknown:don’t know what that’s gonna look like. I don’t know what
Unknown:that’s gonna look like. And it’s kind of scary.
Unknown:It is scary, because it’s very uncertain. And at the same time,
Unknown:it’s so big and beautiful. And it could finally help you to let
Unknown:go of all the guilt and shame that you felt around that story.
Unknown:Right?
Unknown:Oh, sorry, everybody didn’t mean to, to get there. But there’s a
Unknown:lot more. There’s a lot more under that than that. I you
Unknown:know, I’m kind of like trying to hold back. But when, when that
Unknown:time actually comes when we actually meet again, and it’s
Unknown:been since she was 18 months. The last time I seen her she was
Unknown:18 months old. And she’s 21 now, and I’m probably going to lose
Unknown:my shit. I’m not gonna lie. I’m probably gonna cry like a
Unknown:fucking baby. And like, like the convulsion kind, right? The
Unknown:uncontrollable kind? Because there’s a lot of pain wrapped in
Unknown:there, man.
Unknown:Exactly. Yeah. And for so long, my God, 21 years and but you
Unknown:know what, I think it’s exactly that reaction that every
Unknown:daughter, who is seeking out her dad secretly wants, you know,
Unknown:wants the emotional, soft and warm kind of reaction and
Unknown:embracing her and just being happy that everything is over
Unknown:now, and you guys get to have a new start.
Unknown:Yeah, yeah, I’m excited. But I’m scared either. I have all these
Unknown:emotions. Hey, joy, how are you? Thanks for joining the
Unknown:broadcast. Joy is one of my patreon subscribers and one of
Unknown:my people that support the show and appreciate you. It’s
Unknown:probably not assigned to you that you probably thought you
Unknown:would see from me, but
Unknown:a very beautiful one.
Unknown:So yeah, we have so so here we go. If we’re gonna wrap this up
Unknown:here, cuz it’d be 40 minutes is cool. If you want to be on the
Unknown:show, if you want to reach out to the show, you got a story
Unknown:that that, you know, maybe you were one of these people, or
Unknown:maybe you were somebody who was on the other side of it, and was
Unknown:affected by an abusive person. And you and you, and if you
Unknown:don’t, if you want to come on the show, write an email, right?
Unknown:shoot us an email and let us know, the email will be GGG let
Unknown:me find it. Nowhere to go, but up now@gmail.com you go. Go
Unknown:right there. And put together an email, if you don’t want to be
Unknown:on the show, and you just want to give us your story. And maybe
Unknown:we’ll read it on air. And, you know, and answer questions about
Unknown:it. That’s, that’s possible, too. You can do that as well.
Unknown:You know, like I said, the point here is to get real, and get
Unknown:vulnerable, and get honest with who we were. And until we can do
Unknown:that, or you can do that if you’re somebody who’s struggling
Unknown:with some of the same things. You’re never going to progress
Unknown:until you get real and honest with who you were. And the only
Unknown:way over over stuff like that is through it. And talking about it
Unknown:and not hiding from it. And being honest about it has been
Unknown:one of the key things that has made it so I can heal from it,
Unknown:honestly. And so, you know, that’s just what I want my own
Unknown:message there. Do you got anything parting words.
Unknown:Those are very, very beautiful words. And all I can add is that
Unknown:it be so wonderful to have more people sharing their stories
Unknown:here. And we’re all in this together, we can all learn from
Unknown:each other. And we can support each other through that time of
Unknown:change and uncertainty, because it’s sometimes very scary to let
Unknown:go of an old story and pain and how how am I who am I when I
Unknown:don’t feel pain when I don’t feel shame? So don’t hesitate.
Unknown:And yeah, support our little show here and do yourself good
Unknown:to
Unknown:thank you. Thank you joy, we appreciate that. And then also
Unknown:two words, we’re still working things out, you know, we did the
Unknown:last one on zoom. And I didn’t like the audio, this one here
Unknown:looks like it may have a little bit of issues with with your
Unknown:your connection, because it’s you’re blurry, but the audio is
Unknown:good. So that’s really what this is, is like we want to do with
Unknown:these anyways, is that we want we wanted better audio. So we
Unknown:used stream yard so we can both upload these. What’s that?
Unknown:Sorry, sorry, that’s
Unknown:the home phone.
Unknown:Alright, and so we want to be able to put these up on our
Unknown:podcast platforms, you know, on the like, like iTunes, Spotify.
Unknown:And so we’re gonna take the audio from this, and then she’ll
Unknown:upload them to her her podcast, which is the Borealis
Unknown:experience. Go ahead and play actually go ahead and plug plug
Unknown:which where you are.
Unknown:Um, so yeah, the Borealis experience is on Spotify, on
Unknown:Apple on Deezer, and many, many other platforms, you can visit
Unknown:my homepage, the boreal experience.com and listen there,
Unknown:or you will be directed to your favorite host.
Unknown:Yes. All right. And then also for me, you know, you can you
Unknown:can contact me at the email there, or you can go to my link
Unknown:tree, which is probably the easiest place up, same thing,
Unknown:it’s probably the easiest place to get ahold of me, because
Unknown:that’s for every place that I’m at, you can go and support my
Unknown:nonprofit, if you want to learn more about that you can go and
Unknown:you know, if you like what I’m doing, and you you know, want to
Unknown:buy me a coffee, you can do that as well, that there’s tabs in
Unknown:that link tree to buy me a coffee, you can do comments per
Unknown:subscriber like joy is to my Patreon, where you know, you can
Unknown:be a $1.02 to 135 and $10 levels of where you can, you can
Unknown:subscribe and each tier has different perks. So you can go
Unknown:over there and figure all that out. And I believe all of that
Unknown:is available in the description, direct links to all that stuff,
Unknown:especially in and for Aurora herself. So if you like what
Unknown:we’re doing, and you think that this is a good idea, please let
Unknown:us know, reach out and let us know what we can do different
Unknown:topics that you think that we can talk about that fit in with
Unknown:this sort of narrative here. And we’d like to hear from you.
Unknown:Yes.
Unknown:Alright. So until, yeah, thank you, again, Aurora. I really
Unknown:appreciate that. And, you know, until next time, we’re going to
Unknown:try and figure out a schedule to do this maybe every two weeks,
Unknown:maybe every three weeks. I’m not sure exactly where we’re at with
Unknown:it. This is the second time that we’ve done it. So go check out
Unknown:the first one. Because if you want to learn who we were in the
Unknown:kind of behavior that we that we did, that’s all in that first
Unknown:episode. So yes, I hope you guys have a great rest of your week.
Unknown:great weekend. Figure out if you struggle with any of this stuff.
Unknown:You know, figure it out. And if you’re struggling with something
Unknown:to the point where you don’t know if you’re gonna hurt
Unknown:yourself or somebody else, seek out help call the hotlines,
Unknown:which we should have, you know, that’s what we should do the
Unknown:next time we should have like links and phone numbers for
Unknown:suicide prevention and mental health emergencies and stuff
Unknown:like that, that we can flash up as well. Because since we are
Unknown:not licensed counselors, the least that we can do is direct
Unknown:you to a place where you can get some help from people that that
Unknown:are licensed.
Unknown:Yes. Very good idea, Shawn.
Unknown:Yeah. All right. So we’re out of here. Have a great weekend. And
Unknown:keep it 100 and stay true to yourself.
Unknown:Yes,
Unknown:thank you so much, john, and you soon again.
Unknown:Bye
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