Ep.6 150 year sentence and a deep spiritual journey part1 w/ John Esteen

hey there,

I’m very excited to share my first interview with John Esteen

He is a truly inspiring individual for so many out there

in the face of tremendous hopelessness he was able to find the energy and focus needed to fight for his life !!

I still have goosebumps thinking of this conversation

Enjoy these precious conversations where we learn about each other where we see and feel that second chances are necessary to consider, always

also

Check out John Esteen on facebook and make sure so have a look at his nonprofit organization :

E&E 2nd Wind Nonprofit was created to help your community grow into a more livable environment. We want to provide resources for communities to heal, be a conduit for individual opportunities and ex-con and military veteran reform programs

Transcript
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Hello, hello and welcome to the borealis

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experience. I’m your host Aurora, and I’m very excited to

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be sharing my first interview with john esteen. John esteen

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was sentenced to 150 years of jail time. And he shares his

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story. He shares how in a tremendously hopeless situation,

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he was able to fight for himself, he was able to see the

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light and to focus on the vision he has, namely to be reunited

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with his family and to live life and freedom. I find it very

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important to say that the Borealis experience podcast is

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not only about inspiring talks, and meditations, it is also

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inviting people from all walks of life to talk with me, and to

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share their story to inspire other people, to help them grow

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to help them make the changes they want to see in their life,

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and to relate to make you guys and girls out there. feel less

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alone. So feel inspired now lean back and enjoy this wonderful

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conversation I had with john as seen this morning. Take good

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care of yourself. By

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Okay, I’m John Esteen. I’m from Louisiana. I was served 20 years

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on 150 years sentence on a nonviolent drug offense. I was

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on NBC dateline covering my story. It was amazing story. And

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I like to share with others in hope to help somebody else in

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their life, maybe encourage them, inspire them do some

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positive in life, we have no doubt we never give up you can

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achieve your purpose in life. Also, I’m president and founder

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of Andy second when nonprofit organization and I’m very proud

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of and the purpose of that is to help those coming home and women

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to take the burden from them of the normal things that we have

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to accomplish when we come out that normal people said or

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citizens would do, like getting the license, transportation,

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mental health services, education and things of the

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like. And that’s why I hope to in doing that. I hope to lower

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the recidivism rate, because people that come home from

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prison within two to five year span, they find themselves back

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in prison. And we want to curtail that. That’s the purpose

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of that power station. Yes, ma’am.

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That is so so beautiful. Thank you, john. Like, would you say

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that when you come out of prison that like there’s a lot of talk

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about PTSD, right posttraumatic stress disorder that people like

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all of them suffer from the stress that happens in the

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prison and to get back into life to get back to their families.

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Sounds very beautiful and romantic and it’s awesome but

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it’s also very scary and can bring up a lot of I don’t know

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is it anger? Is it sadness is a depression How was it for you

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when you got out like it was a huge fight like legal fight to

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get you out on time to for you to not be serving over 100 years

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but the day you found out that you get out again How was it for

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you were you scared nervous or just excited

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and mixed it was a guess both excited in fear yeah excited to

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be know my family after so many years hand I’m having how it

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ended the house I can’t be part of always long have that in

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dropped about then participate in that and now I’m having this

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opportunity when I was coming home so excited about that.

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Yeah, the fear thing is it’s dealing with the potion medic

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stress disorder.

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Yeah.

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Thank you wouldn’t you experience a lot of things in

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prison also you’re in a controlled environment for so

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many years. So you depend on you find out depended on a system to

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a certain extent, your life you know, you when you wake up you

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go to bed Yeah, he, in the light things that the light, every

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moment of your life is pretty much controlled. And you have a

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sense of freedom in Angola because it’s like a city of his

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own. But at the same time, you’ll find out that you are in

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a controlled environment, we’d be lucky out put you in a

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dungeon, and things like that. And reality really sets in. So

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you’re really not really, really not free, even though it might

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feel as though the environment might feel like a free book by

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actual ality and not sort of fear me coming home. The things

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that your customer customers are doing in prison. These habits

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you’re gonna develop, you find yourself students still doing

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these things when you’re home.

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Yeah, I’m certain

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to you. Like I go to a hospital. If I go to an appointment,

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instead of me saying appointment, I will say call up.

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So had to get over there took me a while to get over the sand. I

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have a call out and people looking at me call out. It’s a

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call out. Excuse me. I’m I mean appointment. You see, you know,

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I mean, that things, the small things like that, you know, you

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realize that it’s been ingrained. You’ve been

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institutionalized. Yeah, not knowing it. So that’s a

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psychological thing about it. You know, you, you find yourself

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doing things not really noticing that you’re doing it. So some I

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pointed out to you. Yes, ma’am.

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Yeah. And while you were serving, you say serving? Were

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you a spiritual person before? Already? And it helped you

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through? Or did you have a moment in jail where you started

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praying or started having like, mental practices to to not go

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crazy to stay sane? Did you grow up in a religious in a spiritual

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family? Or did you learn over time, too, because you come

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across as a very, very grounded, like, sweet soul person?

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Well, um, you know, surprise me by saying that a lot of people

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even in prison security guards in inmates are like, what was

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telling you don’t belong here, man. You different, you know,

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you see, you know, they see the lighting, you may know what

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you’re doing here. So I hear that a lot. And I grew up in a

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beautiful household, Catholic household, grew up Roman

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Catholic, went to Catholic schools. I went all the way up

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to my temporary year, my junior senior went to public schools by

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choice. And I want to go into Nicholls State University to

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play football. By switching schools are kind of like last

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educational platform, pretty much the same. I mean by that is

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that I didn’t have college preparatory courses, get a full

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scholarship to college. So that led me to make another bad

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decision in my life, which I call bad decision is to join the

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National Guard to offset the costs to go to college. I’ve got

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a partial scholarship for football, and I needed something

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else to pay for the rest. So I’ll say when we go National

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Guard, it sounds good. And they pay the rest, which it works. It

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works for the for the most part, but I didn’t know that would be

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employed to go to war while in college. So that kind of

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backfired on me. Yeah, that derailed my dream to being

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playing in the Football League once in one day, you know, so

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always I still think about it day if I wouldn’t went to the

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war. What I what I made it to the NFL, so I still go to my

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mind.

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Yeah, so feelings of regret. And yeah, maybe anger towards

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yourself. And where were you sent to war?

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Saturday again, ask that again. Ma’am.

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Where would you send To sir?

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I was sent to Saudi Arabia. Dharan. Okay in 19 9091. I got

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there with just turn on one. Well, it was it was it was the

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war was pretty quick at the site. And when we were being

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bombed, and we had to sit in these annex courts were no

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windows can see what’s going on. So you don’t know if the bombs

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gonna hit you or not. But all you hear sirens going off and

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heading to chemical Sudan because they didn’t want to

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shore up their chemicals in the water here is that was been

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blowing up exposing their Senate to was our way. And that alone,

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I got tired. I got to the point where I just like, say, forget

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about it, then do it all this time, no chemicals and why would

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they have it now and I stopped putting my chemical suit on. But

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that was short lived because the guys that was in the annex court

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would mean they kind of came together and talk to me say man

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put your chemical suit on, we think we should put it on

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persuading people My Chemical shoe back on. And but at that

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point, I felt like that was the turning point in my mental

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factors. At that moment, because I didn’t care anymore. It didn’t

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matter. I always, always was thinking my family. Something

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happened to me here. You know, how am I my future wife,

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daughter, my son, my mom and dad, people that loved me always

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put my mind I was contact them. Not knowing if I’m gonna go home

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again. I got tired of that. You know, so I just cut just cut

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everything off. At that moment right there. I snapped. Yeah,

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yes, ma’am.

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and for how long? Have you been away from home then?

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Well, at that time, I was like seven and a half months have

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gone. by seven and a half months. I was over there.

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And then you came back home.

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I came back home had to be like June, July, maybe august of 91.

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And when I came home, I worked for my mother, my mother, lady

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who owns racetrack Jepson downs and the fairgrounds. And we did

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like beautification there. We did mess with plants with plant

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plants and no shrubberies. And that was really my first real

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job that I really had. Yeah, other than then I became a

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killer in the race grind were sold tickets and racehorse

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tickets and stuff like that. Yeah, so I got rid of das. I

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stopped doing that when I got when I know. That was pretty

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cool. No, that was really I was kind of like, and see that will

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live. Shortly after that. I was I was late to my first time

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getting convicted, going to the feds. Um, see, I had a lot of

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pressure on me. I really couldn’t cope. I really would

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think more pressure Come on me. I kind of like I get disturbed

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real bad. You know, I feel I can’t cope. What the average the

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average thing and I couldn’t stand nobody challenged in me

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mentally. This is a lot of things that this I couldn’t I

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couldn’t want to buy tell me anything. Yeah, it was

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especially my own mind. I’m thinking I’m writing my own

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things my time otherwise, I really kind of it balls my

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blood. So when I got to the point where I felt that thing

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was coming, like financially speaking, you know, I had a

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number to a friend of mine that was in a drug game. And he said,

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whenever you pay me Just call me you know, come holla at me, but

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he said that because initially I refused him, even though he

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showed me all kinds of money. But I was working at the time

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for my mom, girlfriend. My sisters was like a family thing.

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So but eventually I got into it and that to the point work just

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started my my crime spree. You know if you want to call it

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that, but I really believe that it all stems coming from war

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because I was doing a lot of stuff in Saudi Arabia. That

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along with me, and I came back to the state side like we was

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going through to get to a place called Bahrain. I’m not if you

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familiar Bahrain, Bahrain, sell alcohol. Yeah. NCO clothes,

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people go potty. You can drink alcohol in this part of the

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country. Yeah, we drive a lot. Yeah. So I wasn’t sorry. I

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wasn’t where’s the drown counties? No, alcohol. Alcohol

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is illegal. Yeah, so when we do it, what we did is we started

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with that great idea we young to stop smuggling alcohol across

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the border and make extra money. So that story low hanging with

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me right there. And other things, you know, of the like,

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you know, doing things that we’ve posed to be doing. And

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when I came home, and that was easy for me getting to doing

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things continued doing things I was supposed to be doing. And

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that was selling Yeah, without drugs introduced to Minnesota.

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stuff called hashish. Yeah, they will have enough that ends up

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there with some ndo. You know, we came in, introduced that to

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my soldier. Comrades and, and I was smoking that we were

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drinking moonshine with the color rice wine. Man was doing

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everything. And one time. I mean, I was introduced to a lot

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of stuff that never was introduced to my life.

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Yeah, yeah. And it was also like you had a feeling of being a

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provider and helping people cope with a stress, right? Because

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alcohol helps you to, yes, process stress, and, of course,

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a solution, but it’s a short term relief. And that’s what you

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were able to provide to those guys. And all along, you forget,

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oh, shit, this is highly illegal. Actually, I shouldn’t

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be doing that.

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Right, you know? Exactly. You know, we know what was doing

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wrong. But we didn’t see that’s another thing. We’ll know what

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he did wrong, but they don’t know what the consequences are

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behind the wrong things that you do. Yeah, you see, we haven’t.

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Once you know, the consequences, I think you make a new, more

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rational decision to do it or not. You see this, like, when I

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went to prison the first time, you know, I have got three and a

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half years, and I come home. And my first time that was a lot, I

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would expect them probation. So that blew my mind. Right there.

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See, and when I was doing my time in Pensacola, Florida, so I

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come home from that, you kind of straighten me out, I won’t go

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back to jail. But I wouldn’t change or wanting to change

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person is just I got older and wiser. But I was still the same

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person that made those bad decisions prior to going to

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jail. You know, just want to understand why I’m mad. And so

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it was for somebody to come along us that’s doing something

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illegal make some extra money for me to go back into that

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trap. And that’s what happened. On his second challenge. Yeah.

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Okay. And as I got into it, I’m not I’m not thinking about the

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consequences. I know jail is a consequence, but not that much

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time. Not that much jail time. 150 years, I never fathom that.

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in my wildest dreams. No, I hurt anybody. Yeah. So um, so what

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they did is, by me being a second Fender, they couldn’t

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give me life. So they gave me full count in random consecutive

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it separately from one another. So give me the most time

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possible. So let’s say example with me. And what Another thing

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I was angry about is that you send me all this time, nothing

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consideration that I fall for my country. The banks that did good

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and like what I was doing well with Andrew, prior to all this,

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like playing football trying to provide for my family. Hello,

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son. None of these things will take into consideration and my

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senesin if they did, would you have gave me 100 years flat, you

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know, my time consecutive for you ran together. Give me a

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break there, you know, that you could done that because it still

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fits to our sentencing guideline. But you don’t want me

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you know, and that kind of still angers me to to think about my

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country will allow something like this to happen.

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Yeah, yeah. And just to give us a quick idea, so you ended up

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having to serve 20 years out of

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how many years? Seven months? Yeah. 20 years, seven months,

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man. And that’s because I fought. That’s because I fought.

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Yeah, my word is laid down. On the last change. I have pro

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eligibility, but it’s not guaranteed. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I

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can do I can still be in prison right now waiting on another

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time turn for parole eligibility going on. I have friends and it

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still it has proved eligibility because they’re juveniles and

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got denied and had to wait another two years and then you

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got to wait another five years. It’s got denied again. It just

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is an ongoing thing. Now promises and how to get on my

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own.

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Sorry.

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No, I didn’t want it. That’s why I took it off. Yeah, okay. No

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problem. No, that’s why I took it upon myself to fight. Even

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though I have row. I’m still fighting to get the sentence.

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Yeah, because my sentence was a league in a court and our system

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was saying that I had to go into pro upon rollaboard and I will

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tell you the system that how do I have to go on upon parole

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board to ask for a favor? Well, my sentence is illegal. And it

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should be do me should earn that extra for famous upon Robo. You

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just ask for favor. So I’m asking them to read to resend me

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to give me my life sentence as all our accent and they will

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fuse in that. And I fought and I fought and I fought until my

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case became the SDN case. Now it’s a big old case landmark

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case now. And many people went home on my case before I even

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went home. So I was still fighting when people going home

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on using my case. Yes, but

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that’s okay. That’s okay to help others. Is that

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Yes, right. Love it. I would love it. You know, I just had to

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fight longer.

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Yeah, I’m

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good day, the day you found out that you got 150 years to serve.

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When? When were you mentally okay to start a fight? Did you

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fight from the first day like you didn’t accept it from the

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first day? Or did you first go through a couple of years, a

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couple months where you were like, Oh, my God, like, I’m

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done. I’m lost. I got nowhere to go. Um, how long did it take you

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to start fighting?

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Me a few years now took me a few years still fighting. When I

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first got the end goal and go like a two year early. It’s like

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a city of his own had a lot of distractions that sports have

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everything you’d think of. And the world and society, you

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pretty much have it in prison. And so that was my distractions.

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I love sports. So that was my that was my way of since I have

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couldn’t have drugs or alcohol or know that. So sports,

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provided that that comfort for me. Yes, going through I was

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going through this and educate myself to always want to learn,

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I want to learn by guys so I’ve gotten a Bible College. I got my

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bachelor’s degree in Christian ministry and what the harder

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Carter school and now after after Bible college and I got

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served certified horticultural certificate. So I did do pa

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became vice president of vets club, I did this like that. I

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was always in positive things. I was a boxer. I was in a boxing

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team, football team basketball team, you name it, I done it.

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Yeah. And I got to the point where Yeah, I got to the point

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where I still have 150 years. And no, no one no one had dawned

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on me is when I got no color guard, by me being a military

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and veterans club, they asked me being a color guard. And we do

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we do a little show and rodeo town have rodeo twice a year and

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we come into the color guard and Buddha flag thing you know, do a

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little show for the people and and one and also we bury our own

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veterans we bury them at the core point Point Lookout is a

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burial ground on Angola premises. And we got we’re up

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two Point Lookout three now the ground at the end of all is

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people dying in there it’s a lie it’s reality is real. So I don’t

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know this guy’s older white guy that went to very and his family

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never couldn’t afford to get them I’m assuming. But his

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sister and her husband was there at the funeral got a big old

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hole in the ground we around it we do a little ceremony and I’m

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watching this coffin go into the big black dog hole. And and I

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felt like I felt the guy’s pain. And I started crying tears come

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on my face. And in my my heart in my mind. I said I don’t want

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to die here. I woke me up that start that sparked me to fight

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for my life. That’s when I start cutting things off. You know

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there was there will hold me up from getting my freedom. I

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stopped cut these dead branches off and started focusing on a

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law. Talk to me a counsels trying to get information. And

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it is click one day like God gave me the answer my case and I

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tried to get other inmate counsel understand none and

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couldn’t understand what I was talking about. That is new. I

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had it and I had one inmate that that believed in me because I

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was so adamant and so persuasive on and confident that this won’t

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work for me. And we and he worked out he worked my routes

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out for me year after year after year we stuck with the same

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claim. And eventually I got the reward to go take a while.

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Yeah, but from that one instance where you woke up, your whole

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being focus just on I want to be free. And I envision what I want

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to see in my future. And I’m not going to let myself distracted

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anymore.

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I mess with the women and whatnot when I guys when we meet

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the sisters, whatever I say, No, I can’t offer them nothing.

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Yeah, I see, they are there. I mean, here, what can I do for

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them? See, I need to educate myself, I need to find my way

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out of here, wherever, by where everything is, then I can

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concentrate on that. Yeah, see, so that was my focus. Yeah. And,

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and let everybody tell you and, and I did meet, I did meet, um,

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my future wife, my last two years of conservation, I didn’t

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meet her. Um, and it was a, it was like, reason being is

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because I finished all I had to do my case is all lose weight.

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Because this is my I was my second term around second time

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around to the Louisiana Supreme Court, I was denied their first

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time there. And this is my like, to me, it was my last hope. And

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I’ve been there a statement like 17 months waiting on a decision.

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And in and in that time, a friend of mine has run a yard

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where we’re really close with him. But we got to develop a

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friendship out there who worked out together in and got to know

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him very well. And he stopped me one day and he said, he said man

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you talk to you about so I say What’s up? My wife is bring a

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friend. And I know you don’t move yet. Nobody family. All

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right. No, there’s so they already know. I don’t I don’t do

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that. You say but I was thinking I was sitting on my bed. And I

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was wondering who can visit with my wife best friend that

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convinced come spend time with my wife. And he said as I was

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laying on my bed. So someone told me Let boosting become my

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nickname. I grow as my nickname let boosting, talk to her. And

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when he presented that to me like that, I looked at my smile

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said okay, I go visit you know what you and I’ll talk to you

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why friend why you spend time with your wife. I do that for

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you. So I went so I was really working out really finished

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everything in which is not a date. So I don’t care who she is

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as big as a whale ugly is I don’t know what it didn’t

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matter.

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So

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I just went there, you know, with no expectations and this

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free, you know, cuz it just, I’m just doing a favor. That’s all I

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was doing, you know, so. But what got me when I met a shoe,

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she’s pretty attractive young lady, you know, to me, but I was

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just talking to her, you know, I got to meet her personally and

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get to know the guy’s wife, you know, that the meet her too. And

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we go and visit was a long visit that day. You know, that

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morning, I went to four o’clock that evening. So visit hotel you

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buy for you. This is like a regular visiting. And anyway,

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like a day in a park. You know, so that’s how we treated it. And

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but what got me was at the end of the visit. She walked towards

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me. And I was sitting down. I remember like she can’t walk and

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she asked me a question. She said, Do you want me to come

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back? And I said, Wow. I say See, I know what to say. I said

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you won’t come back. And she said she’s Uh, yeah, I say we

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come I want you to come back. So from that day forward, she one

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of my business issues, I was a joint venture with them on the

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guys visit, I was just a joint this joint in with these visits,

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we got paperwork done for that. And about a month or two later,

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we wound up getting her on my visit and less and she came

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like, twice a month to drove like, to Ohio two hours, two and

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a half hours. Twice a month. They come see me, you know, I

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mean? Wow. I mean, so not knowing that, you know, I have

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150 years. Yeah. And not knowing if I’m come home and I can’t I’m

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not sure. You know, I’m not sure right now, because I’m still in

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court and I’m still waiting on this decision. been long time in

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court. So it’s like, last time I was in court this at the same

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time and I got denied so I wouldn’t I know what to think.

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Yeah, but always but for my no my key was I learned I tapped

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into something spiritual. I tapped into something very,

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very, may benefit a lot of people while by hand is right

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now I’m gonna tell you I decided to just get up two o’clock every

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morning on one bed whereby sleep and kneel by my bed, my hands up

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like that. And just praise God for who he is not accident from

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nothing is banking them in advance for what blessings He

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bestowed upon me. And they’re there every night for about the

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last two years of my time in Angola. And as a result of all

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that, I see many doors opening I seen first a newspaper reporter

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came in there and interviewed me. He wrote for the advocate

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newspaper here in New Orleans. He interviewed me and he put me

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he took pictures on me in a law library. He’s amazed by my

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story. I’m going after him, NBC dateline candidate, Dr. Mineral

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and gola, not me on Angola. And they discover my story when it

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came to Angola, so they call me to the warden’s office and tell

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them telling me NBC dateline here want to interview you. Wow,

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that blew me away. Big time from me. Yes. And and I wanna go and

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getting the sentence. Long story short, one can’t get the

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sentence and I went back to my judicial one my case and we

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asked me for after 17 years well my case I go to my district

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court to give me sentence the judge is a new judge. And she

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refused to look at my mitigating factors last 20 years in prison

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she refused even look at me actually. All she said is that

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we all breach our boundaries that we’re here for sentencing

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not here for upon parole board. Like now she has real heart nose

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and blood.

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And

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she sent us me to the max possible. So 150 years turned to

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100 years. So all she knocked off was 50 years of my senate

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and sent me back then goal. Okay, so now I’m back at Angola.

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All I have nice hope is for all which I really want depend upon.

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So that’s my that’s my guess, was my eternal but at the same

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time, I had a lot of publicity at this moment, too. So either I

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can go for me, or it’s gonna go against me. And I’m praying that

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it go from me. At the same time, keep in mind that I’m still

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praising God every morning at two o’clock in the morning, just

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for who he is. And that will kept me straight kept me strong

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kept me focused. Yeah, because I know that I was fairly convinced

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that if God wouldn’t be who can be against me, I kept that in my

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heart. Yes. And so now on NBC dateline got involve, they come

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in and they come in my dog asleep, they fill me in there.

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They if they bring me to my chapel, I forget the film I

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worked at in prison. I’m like a free man already in prison. I’m

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walking around with these people with the wardens and everything.

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Yeah, this is you know, and and it comes to my parole hearing. I

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got it. Like my role was speeded up some kind of way. I don’t

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know how but I was on a board came up quick. So everybody

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wanted me out of there. Yeah, the system wanted me out there.

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And I’m not seeing it at the time do I’m still nervous.

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guys understand

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you’re nervous. I’m still nervous. I’m NBC dateline city

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on come back and they gonna walk me to the pump roll boy being a

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walk new came to my door earlier that morning before going proper

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oh boy the filming you won’t be watching my thoughts. They won’t

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know what I’m thinking. They won’t know everything about me

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prior to me going to that point robot parent family up they

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already waiting. And the other guys up there waiting for the

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parole hearings. I was a second person they go in there right

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No, not taking take note of this not the first person was denied.

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Oh my god. So you know how it was. I had a bad on my mind. God

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on standby, no witness, you know, first guy was denied off.

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So he come out he come out family crying, he crying and I

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see. So he are going to call me up. Going there. Hold a dome for

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my family. Come on and sit down and make a long story short

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son’s book funny my mama spoke for me. They asked me a few

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questions. And that this the lawyer for the state of

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Louisiana was the first one to question me on a board. And he

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told me he let me know that he is a lawyer. And he won’t ask me

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a few questions. So he asked me a few questions and after asked

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him, he said, it must be true. They say about you. He said, You

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fought us, despite how we may have felt about you. You kept on

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fighting. He said, therefore, I cannot deny you. And the other

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two guys up two guys spoke they asked me a few questions. And he

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said we liked the first guy we can’t can’t deny. So, so many

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methods original guy that talked to me first a lawyer. When you

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say well, granted parole may in my head hit the table. cry like

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a baby.

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Yeah.

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Yes, that was the best time in my life. That I have so much

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weight on my shoulders now has been lifted.

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Yeah. So beautiful. JOHN, so we’re coming to an end with with

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our first meeting here. I would love to have you back. And you

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also mentioned that you want to bring on a friend. Right?

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Yes, yeah. See, he’s, um, okay.

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No, I don’t know. Because zoom is gonna kick us out here very

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soon. That you know, it’s zoom. It’s not me. One. Okay. All

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right. Would you like to mention your podcast right at the end

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here. And then we set up a new date for our new conversation,

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maybe next week, or in a couple of days. I’m gonna share the

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title of your podcast that you want to kick start.

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The title of my podcast I want to kick start is out of bondage

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and to success.

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Yeah. And this episode here will be on the Borealis experience,

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podcast. And yeah, we will chat very soon to talk about your

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friend to bring him on. And to talk more about your situation

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right now and

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your family.

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Right. Yes. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for your time

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and for. Yeah, for being here. Thank you. Pleasure. Have a good

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rest of your day.

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You too, man.

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Thank you so much. Bye, bye.

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Bye.

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Thank you so much for listening to our conversation here on the

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Warriors experience podcast. Make sure to check out john

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Astin on Facebook and his non profit organization that I will

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be posting in the show notes here. Alright. Take good care of

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