hey there,
we all have done stuff in life that we are not a 100% proud of or even ashamed of
My friend Sean and I thought i’d be important to talk about some “stuff”
Talk about it and make sense of your stuff and then get rid of it.
Don’t run around a whole lifetime with shame weighing you down ..
enjoy this very raw and genuine talk
with warmth
always
Aurora
Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/donate?business=DWPYL9GK5AVQL&item_name=buy+me+a+tea¤cy_code=CAD)
Transcript
Hello, this is Aurora, and I’m very excited to announce
Unknown:today that I have an interview for you with Sean Dustin, check
Unknown:ut his podcast called nowhere o go. But up now, very
Unknown:nspiring interviews he has here and his work is just very
Unknown:ncredible, very raw, genuine. nd he puts so much love and
Unknown:ork into it, and has incredible uests with crazy good,
Unknown:nteresting knowledge that it ill blow your mind or really
Unknown:ouch your heart at times, w started talking and decided t
Unknown:create series for you, we wil come up with a title soon. Wher
Unknown:we talk about abuse, both Shaw and I have been abusive in ou
Unknown:past with our partners, no physically abusive, bu
Unknown:emotionally and mentally. And w want to talk about it, be ope
Unknown:about it, and give people platform where they can shar
Unknown:their experiences their journey But also, yeah, just for peopl
Unknown:who want to understand what i going on when a person i
Unknown:behaving aggressively emotionally or mentally. S
Unknown:enjoy this conversation, it wil be the first one of many
Unknown:hopefully. And, yeah, this i gonna be an awesome projec
Unknown:here, just for you. Thanks fo listening. Bye bye
Unknown:I’m a formerly abusive person. it’s taken me a long time to b
Unknown:able to say that without, it w s really hard for me to get tha
Unknown:out, you know, at a certain oint in my life, you know, maybe
Unknown:about a year ago, up to the , you know, it’s something th
Unknown:t I’ve done throughout all of my relationships, I’ve had five
Unknown:that have failed so far from he time I was, I would say 18 ti
Unknown:l 40 my last one was two and a h lf years ago. So maybe 4544. S
Unknown:that’s a long, long list, and a long period of abusive typ
Unknown:of behavior. Now, you kno , I’m not proud of it. And I t
Unknown:ink that both of us can agree ere that, you know, the reason
Unknown:hat we’re doing this isn’t to rag, or to, you know, glorif
Unknown:in any way whatsoever, you kno , our behavior. I’m speaking f
Unknown:r myself, and I’m pretty su e that low overall you feel
Unknown:he same way. And yeah, I mean, I used to be verbally, very verb
Unknown:lly abusive, emotionally abu ive, I was never reall
Unknown:a physically abusive person, yo know, although I did have
Unknown:ullying kind of behavior, where would block doorways, or keep
Unknown:he door shut from from opening. ‘ve, you know, shoved my sig
Unknown:ificant other before or would p rposely get in the way and wou
Unknown:d bump them. You know, just al the kinds of things that you
Unknown:ould expect from somebody wh was immature, you know, h
Unknown:nestly, and not very emotional y intelligent, not, you know
Unknown:when I didn’t get my way is sually when it would rear its
Unknown:gly head. Yeah. And in order for me to bend them to my will,
Unknown:would use intimidation and stu f like that on when I would fe
Unknown:l like when I would get so an ry to the point where I’d want t
Unknown:hit them. I knew that I couldn t. I mean because I get in trou
Unknown:le. It’s not because I didn’t ant to or didn’t think about d
Unknown:ing it. It’s I knew I would ge in trouble and go to jail. S
Unknown:that was greater a deterrent, then just it not being the
Unknown:ight thing to do. Right. Do s that make sense? Yeah, tot
Unknown:lly. And, and so I would do ther things that I knew that
Unknown:would hurt him, I would atta k their issues. You know, i
Unknown:you were overweight, I would ttack you there. If you had som
Unknown:sort of other thing that I kn w that was that you didn’t?
Unknown:don’t know, you get what I’m saying? You know, it was just
Unknown:I was just a mean person. Ye h. And it was because I was
Unknown:‘t happy with me. You know, I wa n’t happy with the person t
Unknown:at I was inside. I wasn’t, yo know, if I was attacking,
Unknown:ou know, somebody for thei weight. What I’d figured out
Unknown:post was, I struggle with eight. So it wasn’t really them
Unknown:hat I was attacking, it was me t at I was attacking and projec
Unknown:ing it onto them.
Unknown:Mm hmm.
Unknown:And a lot of that, you know, there was some of that tied in
Unknown:there. And then there was just some fear, you know, a lot of
Unknown:fear goes into wind. So when you’re afraid of somebody losing
Unknown:you, then you’ve tried to control them, are you are you
Unknown:losing them, because of the behaviors that you that I
Unknown:created? Right. And so, I mean, there was a lot of that, that
Unknown:was involved in how I was. And, you know, I often say that, you
Unknown:know, and I don’t condone hitting anybody, but when
Unknown:somebody hits you, or you know, may physically hurt you, that
Unknown:goes away in a couple of days. You know, this, the scar or the,
Unknown:the, the bruise, whatever it is that that goes away, and yeah,
Unknown:you’re pissed at him. But that’s about where it ends, right? When
Unknown:when you attack somebody emotionally or verbally, and
Unknown:start playing on their issues and attacking who they are at
Unknown:the fabric, that doesn’t go away. That stays for a long time
Unknown:sometimes. And sometimes it stays forever. So in my opinion,
Unknown:when I think about you know what I’ve done in my behavior, I like
Unknown:I’m worse than somebody that that I was worse than somebody
Unknown:that physically abused somebody, because the lasting impacts of
Unknown:what I did, lasted far beyond probably the person that you
Unknown:know, physically abused somebody. Now, that may be the
Unknown:wrong way to look at it. I don’t know, I’m not a professional.
Unknown:And you know, I’m not giving professional advice here at all.
Unknown:I’m just talking about my own personal experience, my own
Unknown:behavior, and how I dealt with it and how it impacted me and
Unknown:the people around me.
Unknown:Yeah. Wow, thank you for sharing all this. And one thing I want
Unknown:to add, before I start opening up more about my stuff is when
Unknown:it comes to physical abuse, or let’s say it a different way,
Unknown:emotional abuse, verbal abuse is very destructive and aggressive.
Unknown:But when it comes to physical abuse, it also leaves scars like
Unknown:not visibly, but to then fear your partner, because men are
Unknown:usually always stronger than the woman to then suddenly have that
Unknown:fear from the physical pain from your partner, where you want to
Unknown:be open and vulnerable, physically, is intense, and
Unknown:really, really hard to get out of your system. So I think it’s
Unknown:both pretty much the same. And it’s good that you only did the
Unknown:emotional part, but the physical part is, is very deeply scarring
Unknown:as well.
Unknown:From my experience,
Unknown:yeah, and see that they’re like, I don’t know, that side of it.
Unknown:So I mean, maybe I may be even speaking out of out of, you
Unknown:know, context there. Or, you know, since I don’t have that
Unknown:perspective, maybe I shouldn’t make maybe I shouldn’t comment
Unknown:and say that it’s that one’s worse than the other.
Unknown:Mm hmm. Yeah, no, it’s just that I can speak from experience when
Unknown:it comes to that. And I’m glad to know that you only engaged in
Unknown:one part of abuse and not both. Because the physical abuse goes
Unknown:because far too And yeah, so I will talk about myself a little
Unknown:bit now and what behavior I brought to light or however you
Unknown:want to call it. First thing that comes to mind is feeling
Unknown:deeply insecure and being very, very controlled. Have the other
Unknown:person like never trusting, always questioning, nagging,
Unknown:wanting to be one step ahead of them, which is if it’s a good
Unknown:guy who has good intentions, like kind of already said, like,
Unknown:I don’t want to get in trouble with that girl, I love her. But
Unknown:this side is kind of really scary. And then the silent
Unknown:treatment, yeah, when something was not going my way to just not
Unknown:answer the phone to ghost people and to be completely gone, and
Unknown:then not knowing what they did wrong, because I never would
Unknown:communicate it. I was just behaving strangely, and
Unknown:punishing the other person, emotionally. And then also, the
Unknown:hot and cold games. So whenever I felt like the person wants to
Unknown:be very close and intimate, I would show the cold shoulder and
Unknown:wait for them to cool off again, and then make them dependent on
Unknown:me again. And whenever they come back, show the cold shoulder
Unknown:again. And now looking back, I noticed that it’s all very
Unknown:subtle, and people can’t really put a finger on it, yet. They
Unknown:feel what’s going on, but they can’t really call me out on it.
Unknown:I don’t know if that makes sense. Like, you drive the other
Unknown:person crazy. And you blame them for stuff that they’re doing
Unknown:yet. You are the one who should be called out on something. So
Unknown:see I have even difficulties to put it into words, but I know
Unknown:that something I was like
Unknown:yeah, that sounds a little like gaslighting. Yeah, in a way.
Unknown:Yes. You know, and yeah, I remember doing stuff like that
Unknown:where I would just I would start arguments for no reason.
Unknown:Oh, just fun of it. Just to this person.
Unknown:Yeah. I would hate it when it got done to me. And
Unknown:yes, yeah. And then to have that kind of friction would also
Unknown:mean, all that person is 100% focused on me now. And not
Unknown:looking at other women. Because we’re having that fight now and
Unknown:it’s very intense energy. So having a fight to distract from
Unknown:everything outside just to have the attention of the other
Unknown:person. Huh?
Unknown:Yeah, that’s, that’s pretty calculating. Oh, yeah.
Unknown:It’s, it’s horrible. It’s like, makes me feel very bad looking
Unknown:back. But I think that’s, that’s what we do at times when we feel
Unknown:powerless or insecure. And just, yes, so scared to lose the other
Unknown:person because they might be seeing what is inside of us. And
Unknown:it’s not beautiful, what we have inside of us, what we think we
Unknown:see right?
Unknown:So what do you like for you? What do you think that that?
Unknown:Like? What did you tie that to that? You know, what were you
Unknown:afraid of? What were you? Like, what, what are your insecurities
Unknown:about? like? What does that what does that look like?
Unknown:Um, I think I was deeply ashamed of my behavior every time I
Unknown:engaged in it. And I was very insecure about other women who
Unknown:always in my mind seem to have it all together and have the
Unknown:perfect life and being perfectly functioning individuals. And I
Unknown:was always more of a dreamer, or didn’t want to get caught in a
Unknown:job too long and kind of a free spirit. But to too insecure
Unknown:about it not not okay about it. So every time I had a partner,
Unknown:and there was a female around who would be structured and well
Unknown:behaved and everything, I would think, oh, what I’m not even
Unknown:worth of the sky, and then create all that drama to see
Unknown:what about maybe he loves me? And then he’s gonna stick around
Unknown:and if not, well, I’m going to go over to the next person and
Unknown:so deep rooted and security about who I am who I was in
Unknown:society, I think
Unknown:the I mean, is it when you say like a free spirit. When I think
Unknown:of that I think of like, you know, someone who’s not
Unknown:responsible isn’t like, like goal driven, like, has a
Unknown:retirement like mapped out, you know, I think of my x when I
Unknown:think of this, you know, she had the house, the the job, the car,
Unknown:you know, all of the things, you know, they 150 credit score, you
Unknown:know, all of these things that are earmarks in our society of
Unknown:what, you know, a successful person looks like, like on
Unknown:paper, right. And I, I feel I can totally understand where
Unknown:you’re coming from, because I mean, I always felt, I always
Unknown:felt like I was, you know, because I went to prison. And
Unknown:I’m not as far along as the people that, you know, I went to
Unknown:high school with, you know, they’ve, they’re all on that
Unknown:track. Yeah. And like, here, here, I am, like, still, you
Unknown:know, treading water trying to figure out how to how to get
Unknown:into the boat. Right? Yeah. And that insecurity tends to have
Unknown:like, a self fulfilling prophecy that’s attached to it. Because
Unknown:when you run around, you know, feeling that way about yourself,
Unknown:and then trying to control everything around us and like,
Unknown:who our partner, you know, talks to and, and, you know, let’s not
Unknown:go over here to, you know, that person may, if you talk to that
Unknown:guy, he’s got it all together, maybe you’ll start thinking
Unknown:that, you know, I’m, I’m not worth it, you know, like, now I
Unknown:need to be looking, I need to be looking up here. And versus, you
Unknown:know, slimming it down here with this dude.
Unknown:Yeah, exactly. And then what also didn’t help us that I grew
Unknown:up in a family where really threw in German, German, you see
Unknown:through the bank. So through the entire family. The guys were
Unknown:always the dominant, aggressive, go getters. And the women were
Unknown:always raising the children, cooking and getting everything
Unknown:ready for the man to come home. So early on, I observed there
Unknown:kind of, yeah, those power games, and it made me so. so
Unknown:incredibly angry. So I think growing up being impurity, and
Unknown:then in my 20s, I had it in the back of my mind that I will
Unknown:never be dominated by a guy, like my mom and grandmother was,
Unknown:like, no one is ever gonna fuckin Tell me what I’m going to
Unknown:do. Because I’m the boss. So and then having those two things
Unknown:united inside of my chest, made it very confusing for people to
Unknown:get to know me, because on one side, I am that girl who cooks
Unknown:for you, and who waits for you at home. But the next day, I
Unknown:might be the other chick who’s like, well, I’m gonna go fucking
Unknown:drink with my girls, and I’m not gonna answer my phone, and
Unknown:you’re going to see what you’re going to do with your life.
Unknown:Right? And so total mindfuck
Unknown:Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that’s, I can, I can see, I can see that the
Unknown:picture that you were painting there?
Unknown:Yeah. A messy one.
Unknown:I mean, a lot of it ties back to how we were raised in, you know,
Unknown:what our life was like. And our upbringing was like, in, you
Unknown:know, what our influences were, that, you know, that particular
Unknown:time in my, in your, in our lives, right, you know, for
Unknown:myself, I can, I can say, that my father, and I didn’t, I
Unknown:didn’t witness any of this. You know, I was told a lot of the
Unknown:stories that, you know, from him, and my mom’s marriage and
Unknown:the abuse that took place there. And a lot of it was verbal, and
Unknown:you know, exactly the same thing that I played out, but, but you
Unknown:know, not having not seen that, like, how did I? How did I end
Unknown:up repeating it? Which is crazy, right? And so, I must have seen
Unknown:something or unless it’s just, you know, the transfers through
Unknown:the DNA, you know, genetically, yeah. You know, I don’t know.
Unknown:And so, I know, I was really angry when I was growing up,
Unknown:because my parents got a divorce. And then they used me,
Unknown:they abused me as like a pawn to get back at each other, right?
Unknown:And I would go to my mom, my dad’s on the weekends, and, you
Unknown:know, my grandparents would be, you know, calling my mom, a
Unknown:bitch. And she’s all these things and all these bad things.
Unknown:And like, that’s all they would do the whole time. And then when
Unknown:I would come home, I would say the same thing to my mom, I’d be
Unknown:I would be furious that I was being dropped off. And then as
Unknown:soon as the door was shut, and my dad was gone, and I you know,
Unknown:cry furiously, and and I hate you, I hate you. You’re such a
Unknown:bitch and done it. You know, and I would bring all that back on
Unknown:her. Right. Yeah. So for for a kid that was, you know, a lot to
Unknown:deal with. And then so I would just act out, you know, in
Unknown:school and you know, in social situations, and I was a bully
Unknown:and in grade school too. You know, all that stuff was
Unknown:starting really young. Mm hmm.
Unknown:Well, cuz How old were you when your parents divorced?
Unknown:Five?
Unknown:Shit. Yeah. And of course, like your baby brain, like downloads
Unknown:everything without questioning how you see stuff. And you think
Unknown:well, that’s reality. That’s how things are supposed to be. And
Unknown:the stuff that is ugly and not so nice. I feel the younger the
Unknown:children are, the more they live in denial of it, because you
Unknown:can’t your your parents are your heroes, they are giving you
Unknown:shelter, food and the love they can give. So in our mind and our
Unknown:children, brains mind, they’re not. It’s not possible for them
Unknown:to be evil. So I think that’s what what I did. What happened
Unknown:in my brain is that it was okay to treat people like that,
Unknown:because this is what I download it. This is what is okay,
Unknown:because my daddy is awesome. Right? I’m never going to
Unknown:question him. Because if I was to question him, they could cut
Unknown:me out of the family. And yeah, let me die. So it’s it’s very,
Unknown:very, yeah, intense what a child’s brain goes through when
Unknown:when it comes to divorce. Like, I think it’s still so
Unknown:underestimated. Especially when it was, yeah.
Unknown:Yeah, know, what to say is what was the point at which you
Unknown:decided, you know, like, what was the straw that broke the
Unknown:camel’s back that said, you know, what, I’ve got to change.
Unknown:What, what brought you to that point?
Unknown:That’s a beautiful question. I’d like that. Um, so after a huge
Unknown:heartbreak, 2014, I decided to immigrate to Canada, and to live
Unknown:on my grandma’s farm here in the forest. And all of a sudden, I
Unknown:found myself in that forest with my thoughts and with my
Unknown:memories, because wherever you go, you bring yourself with,
Unknown:right, you bring all the bullshit that you wanted to
Unknown:escape with to that beautiful island or forest in my case. And
Unknown:I just went back to the fights that I had with my partner. And
Unknown:all of a sudden, like, wasn’t birth perspective and saw all
Unknown:the stuff that I was doing that would make him mad, and that
Unknown:would make him act out and be aggressive. Also, my mom came to
Unknown:join here. And living close with my mom again, I suddenly saw
Unknown:stuff. That would totally make sense why my dad would act out,
Unknown:back then, and my childhood. And I was like, Yeah, my daddy was
Unknown:aggressive. And there’s, you know, stuff. But that behavior
Unknown:would totally drive me nuts, too. And I would also be
Unknown:aggressive and, and all of a sudden react like my dad. And it
Unknown:was like, Oh, my God, I’m becoming like, my dad, I don’t
Unknown:want to be that person. And so I became aware of how women can
Unknown:drive man nuts. without it being overtly, you know, covertly. And
Unknown:I was able to, with all the time and space I had here, to look
Unknown:back to a shed did I copy and paste stuff from my mom and did
Unknown:this with my partners? And do I want to be doing that in the
Unknown:future? Hell no. And then, to sit with the ad is so ugly. I
Unknown:bet you know that feeling. But you’re like, Oh, shit, I want to
Unknown:call that person and apologize. No, I can’t because I don’t
Unknown:exist for them anymore. Or, I want to turn back in time, and I
Unknown:don’t know that was a couple years back now. And now I’m
Unknown:aware of that behavior and still not the perfect, awesome person,
Unknown:but at least I’m aware of But now and know where it’s kind of
Unknown:coming from, and then I can sit in stillness and not hate myself
Unknown:as much anymore.
Unknown:Are you? Are you aware of your triggers? Have you sort of, you
Unknown:know, pinpointed what those are? And if you have, what do you do
Unknown:now? Because I don’t know, have you dated since then, since
Unknown:you’ve been there? where you’re at? You know, is anything? You
Unknown:know that or is it just been? You sort of been on like this
Unknown:self learning? mission, since you got to your location now.
Unknown:And then just trying to figure out, you know, you and why you
Unknown:did the things that you did? And, you know, what are your
Unknown:triggers? And how do you? How do you navigate them once you once
Unknown:they come up?
Unknown:Mm hmm. So I’ve been dating ever since. And what I noticed is
Unknown:that, I do that with a thing where I name my triggers. So for
Unknown:instance, I get very hangry when I don’t eat enough during the
Unknown:day. So I call that a certain name. And every time I feel
Unknown:those emotions coming up, and being impatient with people, and
Unknown:everything that gets between me and my food is like, I noticed
Unknown:when I get to that point now, and I’m able to kind of breeze
Unknown:myself out of it, or laugh about it or talk about it to the
Unknown:people around me. And then when it comes to other triggers. So
Unknown:time for me is a huge thing. I’m an absolute. When it comes to
Unknown:being late, like with us right now, I couldn’t figure out the
Unknown:internet thing. And I knew I was going to be late and everything
Unknown:kind of shifts, and I panic. So when a person is supposed to
Unknown:meet me at a certain time, and they’re late. Holy shit. So
Unknown:good to know.
Unknown:It’s, it’s so it’s so bad. And it is not, it is not when I sit
Unknown:at home and waiting for Shawn to come online it is when I’m
Unknown:sitting in a restaurant, or at a meeting point where there is
Unknown:that fear of abandonment, abandonment. So I’m coming up
Unknown:and being like, Whoa, that person is not going to show up.
Unknown:Whoa, I’m being left, I’m being replaced by another person. So
Unknown:all that comes up. And now when it happens, I just noticed that
Unknown:huge anger coming up and try to see the best in the other person
Unknown:and try to think, oh, maybe they broke down. Or maybe they have a
Unknown:problem. Maybe I should go ask if they you know, but not right
Unknown:away, not after five minutes after half an hour because I
Unknown:would call after two minutes and be like, passively aggressive,
Unknown:like, Oh, can I help you out? Like you’re not there. So, let
Unknown:it sit and know that instant reaction is not going to help me
Unknown:sit with it for a moment and trust that the other person is
Unknown:is going to be there and not gonna let you down. So it’s kind
Unknown:of a self talk and learning to be patient thing for me.
Unknown:Yeah, the anxiety, anxiety, you know, triggers thoughts, which
Unknown:you know, thoughts? is absent, we’ve fill in the blank with
Unknown:whatever narrative comes to mind. Right?
Unknown:Oh, and it’s always in those case.
Unknown:Yeah. Right. And so getting out of that habit is really
Unknown:important. Because unless you ask somebody you know what you
Unknown:could I mean, I’ve done this too. I’ve done this at work not
Unknown:even in a relationship situation, right? Something that
Unknown:I screwed up at work and you know, I didn’t say anything
Unknown:about it. And you know, I worked this whole scenario up into my
Unknown:head of worst case and like all of the things that could have
Unknown:happened and you know, what, what was it in you know, by the
Unknown:time that you know, I finished in almost probably got myself
Unknown:fired for no reason. I was like, Oh my God, my mind just ran with
Unknown:this and it went from point A to point B and like, it was just me
Unknown:and my thoughts. You know, there was nobody else even involved in
Unknown:the in this. And like, I I whipped up this entire scenario
Unknown:that was unnecessary.
Unknown:Yeah. Yeah. And so I learned to see that as a little misbehave
Unknown:child, my brain, and to just turn the volume down and sit it
Unknown:in a corner and look at it, and know that this is all made up.
Unknown:This is all made up, and it’s gonna bring me nowhere. So you
Unknown:better chill the fuck out now have a glass of water? And yeah,
Unknown:so it’s hard. It’s like, having to go to the gym and train a
Unknown:muscle that you have never worked before? To do that kind
Unknown:of stuff. I guess it’s but it’s worth it. It’s
Unknown:Yeah, well, I mean, a lot of the a lot of the work that we’re
Unknown:talking about is is what they would consider Shadow Work.
Unknown:Yeah. Which is your subconscious, you know, habits
Unknown:or behaviors that take place behind the scenes when, you
Unknown:know, you don’t even realize it. And so a lot of the behaviors
Unknown:that, you know, are associated with with and this is just my
Unknown:opinion, you know, I’m not, I’m not a professional. I’m not a
Unknown:licensed mental health counselor, I’ve just from
Unknown:dealing with my own self. Yeah. And realizing some of the the
Unknown:messed up crap that I have done in the past and, you know,
Unknown:sometimes do today, not as often, that’s for sure. And it’s
Unknown:definitely never as bad as it was, you know, cuz I’m really
Unknown:good at it. nipping it, like catching it before it even you
Unknown:know, before I push send, right? Yeah, I’m still I’m still into
Unknown:the writing the text when I catch it now before it’s like,
Unknown:you know, I push send, and it’s, I can’t get it back. But I mean,
Unknown:they’re the behaviors that go on in there learned over years, you
Unknown:know, years from the time were kids to, you know, whatever
Unknown:relationship that you went into, and like the first one that I
Unknown:destroyed, you know, I didn’t learn anything from it. I
Unknown:learned what I didn’t, what I didn’t like about it. And
Unknown:usually it was me blaming the other person, you know, it was
Unknown:all their fault. You know, if only they were this way, this
Unknown:wouldn’t have happened and whatever, right. But that
Unknown:behavior, it just hitchhikes into the next relationship,
Unknown:because you haven’t dealt with it. And that underlying stuff
Unknown:that you know, that shadow behavior is still there, and
Unknown:it’s still present. It’s still strong as hell, and waiting to
Unknown:in waiting to unleash on the next person that it comes
Unknown:across. Right? Yeah,
Unknown:exactly.
Unknown:Ah,
Unknown:it’s embarrassing. You know, it’s embarrassing. When you have
Unknown:to come to face with yourself. Oh, yeah. And how you act?
Unknown:Yeah. And I don’t know if you experienced that, too. Maybe
Unknown:before your new partner knows that side about you. They’re
Unknown:like, holy shit, like, you seem so confident and calm and? And
Unknown:how does like where does that come from? You know, like them
Unknown:not not being able to make sense of it. Because we have a very
Unknown:confident side, we have a very calming, soothing vibe. So
Unknown:that’s what people expect to get. And then they unwrap the
Unknown:package and see
Unknown:Holy shit.
Unknown:There’s some
Unknown:Yeah, I have an explanation for that. So, you know, when doors
Unknown:have always open for me, right? And I think a lot of that has to
Unknown:do with you know, but looks you can say that you can say looks,
Unknown:you can say charisma charm, you know, personality, whatever that
Unknown:is, you know, I was always able to get into doors. Yeah. Dang
Unknown:was the hard part or being or being asked to stay was the hard
Unknown:part because usually, you can’t if you’re if you’re not
Unknown:authentically being you, right, Austin? It Right. It’s
Unknown:exhausting. And in pieces of the real you always end up coming
Unknown:out. Right. And so you know, I about three months is my is
Unknown:about the max that I can fake it. Right? And then little
Unknown:pieces of of the real me if that’s, you know, what I was
Unknown:trying to do? What would start you know, showing you know, and
Unknown:behaviors or look like No man certain thing is, or, you know,
Unknown:my anger would pop up, or I would be passive aggressive
Unknown:about something, or, you know, something would show up and you
Unknown:would, you would be able to see. And a lot of the times when that
Unknown:what happened, like you talk about instead of dealing with
Unknown:the monster, it’s easier to just ghost the situation. Right and
Unknown:just I’m out, I don’t want to deal with you. And, or it keeps
Unknown:you from actually getting closer to somebody because of that
Unknown:potential. Right? You don’t want to, you don’t want anybody to be
Unknown:able to point that out about you know, that that’s who you are.
Unknown:And, and so there’s been times when I’ve, I’ve even gotten to a
Unknown:relationship once and you know, we ended up you know, I don’t
Unknown:drink a whole lot. But we I drank a little bit too much at
Unknown:night, and I do, that’s when the the monster starts coming out,
Unknown:too. And my anger starts getting released. And, you know, I
Unknown:started getting like I said, that guy started coming out. And
Unknown:I don’t remember a whole lot about the evening, but I, you
Unknown:know, was reminded about it in the morning. And she said, Yeah,
Unknown:I locked myself in the bathroom, because I was afraid to you
Unknown:know, I was like, I don’t even I don’t remember that. And, and so
Unknown:I was like, instead of trying to even deal with it, how I dealt
Unknown:with it was, well, if you’re bringing that out in me, then I
Unknown:don’t want to have you around me. Because I don’t want to be
Unknown:responsible for what happens. Or any of it. Right?
Unknown:Yeah, like, I
Unknown:don’t want I don’t like that dude. And I don’t want him out.
Unknown:And I don’t want him around. And if you if if had been around,
Unknown:you brought that out, then I need to get rid of you. Yeah,
Unknown:she was actually a really cool person. I mean, she drank a
Unknown:little bit too much. But I mean, other than that, I mean, she
Unknown:was, you know, a really good person nice to me, you know,
Unknown:was, you know, but I mean, that’s, that’s what this
Unknown:creates, when you don’t deal when you don’t deal with it.
Unknown:And, you know, so I mean, the last two years, that’s all I’ve
Unknown:been doing is really talking to people on my podcast
Unknown:professionals, you know, people life coaches, if I’m struggling
Unknown:with somebody, something, I’ll bring them on the show. And I’ll
Unknown:start asking them questions. And you know, trying to get answers
Unknown:that way. And yet, part of it’s because I’m cheap. I don’t want
Unknown:to pay I don’t want to pay for the service. Right? And so I’ve
Unknown:used the the podcast as to like, hey, look, I’m helping promote,
Unknown:you
Unknown:know, we know what you’re doing.
Unknown:I’m helping promote you. But you know, you’re helping me too,
Unknown:because I’m struggling with something and I need some
Unknown:answers.
Unknown:That is so cool. I love I love how transparent you were there.
Unknown:But it also brings the listeners on the journey as well, to my
Unknown:you know, transition, my change my evolution, you know, you’re
Unknown:following not only a show and content and what I’m putting
Unknown:out, but you’re also following me. And in my journey to finding
Unknown:myself.
Unknown:Yeah, yeah, no, that’s so beautiful. That’s awesome. How
Unknown:is it for you? Because right now, you mentioned that looking
Unknown:back, you can see that kind of behavior. So instead of leaving
Unknown:the other person next time, can you imagine, like telling them
Unknown:what you’re struggling with? And what makes you feel insecure? or
Unknown:How can you or stating totally done for you and never ever
Unknown:again?
Unknown:No, no. I mean, I have a girlfriend. And you know, she
Unknown:lives with me. She has she I’ve known her since I started this
Unknown:whole podcasting journey. Yeah, so she’s experienced some of the
Unknown:asshole. She’s experienced a lot of my dysfunctional behavior.
Unknown:But she’s also pretty stubborn, and is like, well, you’re not
Unknown:going to get rid of me that fast. Just because you don’t
Unknown:just because you’re, you know, you don’t want to deal with you.
Unknown:You know, getting rid of me is not the answer. Once you start
Unknown:once you start dealing with you and figuring out you, and I’m
Unknown:here for you. And you know what it means for you to figure this
Unknown:out, because I see more in you than you see in you. Yeah, and
Unknown:that in that aspect. Yeah, you know, so. I mean, I’m, I don’t
Unknown:know I’m not. I’ve always thought about like, I probably
Unknown:Be a be a great candidate for an open relationship. But I don’t
Unknown:know, I’m also in a place to where, like, I have the show, I
Unknown:have my, my daughter, I have the, the nonprofit that I
Unknown:started that I’m trying to do. So I mean, there’s a lot of
Unknown:things that are tied in with me, trying to elevate myself to
Unknown:where I need to go. So I mean, I’m pretty selfish with my time
Unknown:too. And, you know, and I’m trying to work on not being so
Unknown:self centered in that matter where I’m like, I guess, I guess
Unknown:the word would be self absorbed. You know, like, my journey, my
Unknown:show my love My, my, my, my, this is what I’m doing. And, you
Unknown:know, if you don’t, don’t get in the way of it.
Unknown:But knowing a little bit about your history, not all of it, but
Unknown:a little bit. I mean, you’re out there functioning, helping other
Unknown:people. And I’m sure you had times where you thought, Oh, my
Unknown:God, I’m gonna be out of jail. I was a mess before I got today,
Unknown:our day was not awesome time. So what am I gonna do with my life,
Unknown:and now, you found something that doesn’t even feel like
Unknown:work. And you bring people so much peace and joy. Of course,
Unknown:you got to cling to that with all your mind. Like, you’re not
Unknown:just being a workaholic and being selfish with your time.
Unknown:You’re out there helping people, right? So don’t you hard on
Unknown:yourself.
Unknown:But one, one thing that I can say in as one of the big things
Unknown:that, like I’ve caught myself doing, you know, when, like,
Unknown:I’ll get when I feel my my temperature starting to boil,
Unknown:right. And let’s say we’re in a knot knot like that to be the
Unknown:beginning stages of an argument because she, she won’t argue
Unknown:with me, she’s like, now you’re not gonna pull that with me.
Unknown:She’s like, I’m just gonna walk, I’m just gonna walk away, and
Unknown:you can argue with yourself. And but I’ve noticed, like, I caught
Unknown:myself a couple of times, closing the distance between us
Unknown:in that, like, trying to intimidate way where I’ve had to
Unknown:go, Oh, shit. And like, back the back from way back up. Yeah, you
Unknown:know, just, but it’s,
Unknown:you know,
Unknown:seven times, if you’re trying to change something like a bad
Unknown:behavior or habit or something like that. It’s really difficult
Unknown:to just turn it off. It’s almost impossible. Yeah, especially if
Unknown:it’s enlightened and you as a person and how you are. Yeah,
Unknown:and so like seven times is about the minimum that it takes for
Unknown:you to fail. You know, to Okay, I don’t want to do this. And
Unknown:then you do it. I said, I don’t want to do this anymore. And
Unknown:then you do it. So about seven times is about the minimum that
Unknown:you’re going to try before it starts to become Oh, okay, now
Unknown:I’m recognizing when I’m doing it. Yeah. And I’m, I’m choosing
Unknown:a different option. Yeah, that makes sense.
Unknown:Mm hmm.
Unknown:So I don’t know, hopefully, that helps some people out there that
Unknown:are listening. I know, we’re rounding up on 230. And I gotta
Unknown:make my way, my way out of here. My daughter is starting soccer
Unknown:for the first time, and she’s only three and a half years old.
Unknown:So we’re gonna be a bunch of littles out there. out there,
Unknown:kicking the ball.
Unknown:That is so cool. Soccer for girls is just awesome. Awesome.
Unknown:Awesome. Awesome. Very good job. There.
Unknown:Yeah, so I mean, I’m excited about going and hanging out and
Unknown:watching her and doing a little recording and seeing all the
Unknown:little kids trying to kick the ball.
Unknown:Yeah. Oh, that’s adorable. So yeah, should we wrap up here?
Unknown:Yeah, I mean, unless, I mean, I think that was a pretty good
Unknown:start. You know, we we gave you guys a lot to chew on a lot of
Unknown:transparency. A lot of authenticity here. Yeah, no, I
Unknown:don’t usually hold back much when I talk about myself and the
Unknown:behaviors that I’ve had, you know, and if anybody out there
Unknown:resonates with either Aurora or myself and, you know, you want
Unknown:to reach out and, you know, talk or you know, send an email in
Unknown:and maybe we will read it on the next one about something that
Unknown:you’re you’ve dealt with and, and how you kind of, you know,
Unknown:navigated your way around it if you have, and if you haven’t,
Unknown:that’s okay, too. You know, we’ll we’ll talk about that as
Unknown:well.
Unknown:Yeah, no, that’s beautiful. So don’t hold back to reach out to
Unknown:Sean and yeah, we will be back Maybe next week, maybe we do it
Unknown:bi weekly, whatever we we agree as best for our schedules. And
Unknown:yeah, absolutely. What if they want to email you? What’s your
Unknown:address?
Unknown:Mm hmm. So for now, I just have my facebook account where you
Unknown:can reach me best. It’s public. So Aurora, Eggert, Eg de RT, and
Unknown:mentioned in your first message that you watch that show, and
Unknown:you want to make a comment or something. And my podcast is
Unknown:called the Borealis experience. If you want to check it out,
Unknown:there’s a group also on Facebook that you’re very welcome to
Unknown:join. Thank you so much.
Unknown:Yeah, and if you want to, if you want to do the email route, you
Unknown:can email my show at nowhere to go but up now@gmail.com like my
Unknown:show right behind behind me over here. know where to go but up.
Unknown:That’s the podcast. You can you know, if you want to reach me
Unknown:there as well that link tree is probably the best way. And that
Unknown:is right behind me there. Li nk tr dot e forward slash nowhere
Unknown:to go but up. That’s the easiest way to connect with the show and
Unknown:everything and all the social media and everything where the
Unknown:show is. So I hope to hear from some of you out there,
Unknown:especially some of the guys out there because we need to not
Unknown:normalize this but but make the conversation okay.
Unknown:Yeah.
Unknown:Mm hmm. And you ladies too, because we’re not saying
Unknown:Come on on board.
Unknown:I did the first step. So yeah, if ever there’s something you’re
Unknown:not proud of and want to get off of your chest, reach out to us.
Unknown:Thank you so much,
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